Oral Sex
Oral sex from a Christian perspective.
This page primarily for people who love God and desire to live within his guidelines as set forth in the Bible. I encourage the reader to take a moment to ask God to reveal the truth about oral sex as it applies to his or her life.
God created sex as a beautiful, pleasurable expression of love to be enjoyed within the bond of marriage between a man and a woman (Hebrews 13:4). The potential pleasure of sex as God designed it reflects his amazing love for humanity. Satan has done his best to exploit sex and pervert it into something God never intended. For many, sex has become an addictive compulsion that has been fueled by lust-based entertainment such as pornography.
Oral sex is often promoted in pornography. This doesn't make oral sex wrong, but it does give us cause for caution because it can be used to feed lust. The challenge for us is to determine if oral sex is something that is compatible with godly living and if it is something that will be beneficial to our marriages.
Is it sex? Oral sex has been portrayed in our culture as a "safe sex" alternative, and some people have reckoned it as a way to retain their virginity before marriage. But is oral sex different from sex? I believe that oral sex is sex for a number of reasons, which include:
- Oral sex fits one of the definitions for sexual intercourse: "intercourse involving genital contact between individuals other than penetration of the vagina by the penis" (Webster's Dictionary)
- Oral sex can be just as intimate and pleasurable as "traditional" intercourse.
- Oral sex creates physical, emotional and spiritual bonds just as traditional intercourse does (Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:6-9, Malachi 2:15
- Oral sex involves exposing one's "nakedness" to another, which is how the Old Testament sometimes describe sexual relations (ex. Leviticus 18:6,7,10)
Assuming that oral sex is sex, we can apply the Bible's sexual guidelines to it. This basically means that it should only be practiced within a heterosexual marriage and that it should be characterized by love.
Determining if love is the real motive behind our sexual actions or desires can be tricky. Why is this so? First of all, the difference between lust-based and love-based sexual desire can often be very fine. This is something that we may need Godâ's help in discerning. People who have fed lust through a sexual addiction may be equating sexual lust with love, having lost sensitivity to what true love is. If that is the case, they will need God's healing of that sensitivity. Secondly, our hearts can be deceptive, especially when we're considering something that potentially could bring us much pleasure.
To assist us in evaluating the intents of our hearts regarding oral sex, here are some questions we can ask ourselves:
1. Is it mutually enjoyable for both partners?
2. Is it voluntary (as opposed to coerced)?
Has it become the focus of the sexual experience and/or is it required for the sexual experience to be fulfilling?
4. Is it being inspired by something viewed in porn or idolized in a previous relationship?
5. Do you or your spouse feel that it is wrong?
6. Have you prayed with your spouse about whether this should be part of your relationship?
As you consider the answers to those questions for your relationship, here are some potential warning signs that may suggest oral sex should not be practiced:
- When there is sexual imbalance: When oral sex is desired or required to be part of every sexual interaction this may point to lust or sexual idolatry as the underlying motive. If this is the case, continuing to practice it could erode the love in the relationship.
- When at least one of the partners feels that oral sex is wrong: The scripture gives us clear guidance that we are not to violate others consciences (1 Corinthians 8). Our conscience works in cooperation with the Holy Spirit, who convicts us of sin and righteousness (John 16:7-9). When we heed the convictions of the Spirit, we have peace; when we disregard them, we lose our peace (Colossians 3:15). Unfortunately, manipulation by guilt or pity is often used to weaken an objecting spouse's concerns about oral sex. This is both unloving and abusive. Granted, married persons have the obligation to lovingly share their bodies with their spouse, but that should be in harmony with their conscience.
- When the act causes a spouse to feel degraded: As a loving experience, sex should edify both spouses. Wives have often written to us mentioning that their husbands wanted them to perform sex acts such as oral sex that they were uncomfortable with. Some who acquiesced said they felt degraded and cheap, like prostitutes. Practicing oral sex under such circumstances would contribute to the erosion of love and mutual sexual desire from the relationship.
Some other things to consider.
- Oral sex may detract from a couple's ability to achieve simultaneous orgasm, as one person could climax prematurely due to over stimulation.
- Oral sex could increase one's risk of exposure to infectious disease or bacterium. (Good personal hygiene would obviously minimize this risk)
Concluding comments
As followers of God, everything we do should glorify God. This most definitely is reflected in how we treat our spouse sexually. I pray that each of you will be sensitive to God and follow his leading on the topic of oral sex.
By Dr. Clifford & Joyce Penner's page on oral sex
Uncomfortable with Oral Sex
Question:
I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of oral sex, but my husband is disappointed that I won't experiment with him. Am I wrong to feel this way, or should he accommodate my feelings?
The three most common questions about oral-genital stimulation are: Is it morally wrong, is it "dirty" and is it unnatural? The Bible doesn't give specific instructions about lovemaking activities within marriage. Thus we look for other scriptural principles. The principle that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her reinforces your desire for your husband to accommodate your feelings. On the other hand, the principle that we are to give our bodies to each other for our spouse's enjoyment would encourage you to examine and stretch your own inhibitions (1 Cor. 7:3-5). In the Song of Solomon, the lover continually refers to enjoying the delights of his wife's body--and she is equally enthusiastic about his. The lovers refer to tasting, eating and drinking of each other's body (see Song of Solomon 4:4, 16 and 5:1).
Your discomfort may have to do with concerns about cleanliness rather than what is morally right. The anus is contaminated with disease-producing microorganisms in both men and women. If the genital area is contaminated from the anal area, the genitals are "dirty." But when freshly washed and free of infection, the genital areas of both men and women are clean.
Perhaps your upbringing left you with the sense that oral-genital stimulation simply isn't natural. If you feel violated by it, do not engage in it. Even though your husband may be disappointed, it does not violate him to forego that pleasure. The sexual act between a husband and wife is to be mutually enjoyable for both and never a violation of either. Since oral sex is uncomfortable for you, it will be best if you lead in any pursuit of oral sex.
