IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN!
by Paul S. Boynton

Reprinted from:
Transitions: Journal of Men's Perspectives.

"It was football time, apple time, harvest time, hunting time, school time.
Footsteps quickened. It was exciting to be in transition.
It seems more like the beginning of something than like the end of it." --- Paul Gruchow

Can there be any doubt than men are in the midst of the most important transitions in their history? Are there men who don't feel, on some level, this new beginning? For me there is a strong sense of impending joy, as men, individually and collectively, begin to make startling discoveries about what it means to be a man. Some of the most important discoveries revolve around our incredible potential for goodness. Surprise! Things aren't always as they seem. Things aren't always as we've been taught. We are finally discovering that it is good to be a man.

A few days ago I saw "The Phantom of the Opera" in New York City. Since that night, I have thought a lot about the Phantom -- the monster behind the mask -- his pain, his despair, his courage and his power. Mostly I've thought about his incredible, unfilled potential.

After seeing the show, I met a friend backstage who showed me the "secrets" of this elaborate and spectacular musical. It truly was a masterpiece of technology. And I was reminded once again, that things are not always as they appear to be. There really wasn't a boat on stage, no secret tunnels, no river, no fog -- the chandelier didn't fall and the phantom was, after all, just a man.

During my coming of age, there was a powerful societal emphasis on the development of my "feminine" side. It was encouraged, taught, reinforced and rewarded and I worked very hard at it. The message about meeting this goal was loud and clear: If you succeed, you'll be a better person. You'll be happier, more content, and more well-rounded. The more subtle message was even more powerful: ""The good aspects of my very being were feminine: the bad aspects -- masculine."

Until recently, I accepted this as a fact. There were no other clear or acceptable options and having worked hard to develop my feminine side, I was, I supposed, happier, more content, and more well-rounded. I was not, however, more complete. Nor was I enthusiastic, energized or connected with myself or others. Gillette and Moore, authors of the King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, described where that left me and many men like me: "We don't feel our joy. We don't feel able to be alive and to live our lives the way we wanted to live them when we began."

If I could choose a mentor, I think that it would be Jim Nelson. In his book, The Intimate Connection, Nelson challenges the, "...assumption that there are indeed two distinct and primordial sets of personality characteristics --- one 'masculine' and the other 'feminine.' Even if we assume that each sex is capable of developing both sets of traits, the definition itself perpetuates the very problem it had hoped to overcome. It still locates one constellation of qualities essentially and dominantly in men and the other constellation essentially and dominantly in women." And if I may editorialize, it's just not true.

Ironically, the journey towards my "feminine side" brought me face to face with a much more powerful and more helpful discovery --- true masculinity. Where my attempts to be more in touch with the feminine fell short, I discovered the doorway to a much greater and more complete sense of myself, my potential and ultimately our potential as men.

As the editor of a new men's publication, JOURNEYMEN, that's been described as a "men's general issue magazine," I have had wonderful opportunities to meet and talk with men from all over the country --- poets, comptrollers, teachers, researchers, carpenters --- regular guys. Many of these men are making the same discovery that I've made: the "good aspects" of our lives as men are not reflections of our feminine side, but rather an expression that is simply and profoundly masculine. What's good about being a man is not our feminine side; it's the discovery of what Gillette and Moore have called our "mature masculine." "Deep within every man are blueprints, what we call 'hardwiring' for the calm and mature masculine."

I think James Nelson is talking about this "mature masculine" when he asks the rhetorical question, "Is there something good, important and distinctive about the experience of maleness itself? Something the can produce energy which is not oppressive but rather creative and life giving --- and recognizably male? A 'deep masculine' that men can find in themselves and justly celebrate?"

Let me answer Jim's question. Our quest for fulfillment, self-actualization and connectedness lies not, as we have been told, in our feminine side, but within, as we are learning, our "deep masculine." What a relief! It's good to be a man.

Within our "deep masculine" we will find good things that we've been searching for. We will find our ability to be benevolent, courageous, decisive and appropriately aggressive. We will find passion, warmth, and compassion. We will find enthusiasm, vision, loyalty, and energy. We will discover a spiritual dimension that gives our lives a sense of meaning. We will find that we are capable of nurturing, protecting and grieving. We can feel joy, appreciate beauty, experience wonder and live our lives with spontaneity. We can experience these realities, not by developing our feminine side, but by acknowledging our deep, true, and undeniably masculine spirit.

Warren Farrell, in his book, Why Men Are The Way They Are, has done a excellent job of identifying many of the "good" aspects of being a man. In his chapter, What I Love Most About Men, he elaborates in great detail on thirty-one qualities that males typically possess that escapes public attention. It is beyond the scope here to elaborate on the whole chapter, however, it is important to at least identify his examples of male's style and qualities of: generosity, fairness, nurturing, fathering through coaching, leadership, outrageousness, keeping emotions under control (useful in handling emergencies), ego strength, to separate issues from friendship, expression of anger, keeping complaints about relationships in the relationship, to save her life while risking his own, giving up his life to support his beliefs and/or family, introspection in sorting out values, self-sufficiency, self-starting, risk-taking, challenging authority, inventing, developing identity, humility, responsibility, sense of efficacy, doing rather than complaining, pushing the limits of one's talents, creativity and problem solving, sense of humor, resourcefulness, enjoying the woman -- not the potential, playing with children on their terms, and changing without blame. It is about time that we not only acknowledge our goodness, but accept it. It would be presumptuous for me to speak for all men, so instead I'll speak for one man.

He's a good father. He knows how to nurture and protect. The depth of his love is deep; the bond he has with his children and mate is as important and as powerful as any bond could be. He likes to laugh and has a great sense of humor. He knows that good relationships are reciprocal. He is a good friend and relies upon his friends to meet many of his needs for intimacy. He listens, he self-discloses, he teaches and he learns. He takes risks, assumes responsibility and believes that many difficult things are possible. He has dreams and hopes, and he takes steps to turn his dreams into realities. He's creative and has a knack for solving problems. He has a full range of feelings and he can express them directly and honestly. He is tough and gutsy. He is a complete person --- not because he has learned to integrate his feminine side, but because he has uncovered the remarkable gifts of true masculinity.

Indeed, this is an exciting time for men. Our minds and our hearts are opening and our search for our inherent goodness has ended. Finally, we have discovered a masculine spirit that simply and powerfully affirms that: Yes! It is good to be a man!