Family Resource Management What Makes Families Strong?

A grade 1 class and their teacher decided to do a project on families. To begin, they tried to come up with a definition of a family:

"Families are people who live together (only sometimes they don't) and sometimes they are married or adopted (but sometimes they aren't). Sometimes there are children, and if there are, the grown-ups take good care of them and everyone helps with the work. Families love each other, even when they are mad and they take good care of each other (and hug when they are sad). And they are always a family, even when they grow up."

What do you think of the students' definition? Certainly, they have described a "modern" family. In this particular class, about half the children live in "traditional" nuclear families. Divorced, single-parent households, joint custody and blended families (spouses living with their children from a previous marriage) were also part of their family experience. Yet, despite these modern arrangements, the children clearly emphasized some very basic values. A family is where caring and sharing happens. It's where you help with the work, give hugs and receive them, and love each other "even when you're mad."

In this era of rapid change, many prophets of doom have been announcing the death of the family, but such prophecies have been around a long time. In 1934, a U.S. government commission did a study on families and reported that the original reasons for people to become and remain families no longer existed. The study said the family unit, as we knew it, would soon disappear. However, almost 60 years later, the family is still very much alive.

Recent research can confirm with statistics what those first graders knew by instinct. There are many strong, healthy (sometimes untraditional) families riding out the storms of modern society through basic values of sharing and caring.

The family - a place for growth

We all know families who appear unusually strong. They seem to enjoy each other, get along well and spend time together. We wish our families were like theirs but we assume it's all just a matter of luck. But can we really change the quality of our relationships? A common misunderstanding in our culture is that relationships are a given - "either you click or you don't, nothing can be done about it."

This attitude is so deeply ingrained in our society that often tragically it takes a family crisis to break it down. Often only when a family is pushed to the wall - a threatened divorce, an alcoholic intervention, a teenager in trouble with the law - does it seek professional help. Then slowly and painfully, counsellors help family members begin to unravel the behaviour that has trapped them. Gradually, members come to realize that good relationships are not a given, but earned.

But why should these valuable insights be reserved for families in crisis? Even if our own families are basically healthy, we all have patterns that trap and limit us. Today, family health professionals seem to have recognized this need and offer a variety of counselling groups, such as marriage encounters and parent training. These groups help strong families become even stronger by developing the skills they need to relate better.

The family - models and mirages

A mirage is something that looks real from a distance but vanishes as soon as the viewer comes too close. If you ask the question, "What makes a family strong?" you need to be aware of mirages. Our culture provides several attractive pictures to choose from but when you get too close, most of these start to fade. Here are a few mirages:

*  The traditional "good family"

In the past, the family had three major functions:

• to achieve economic security;
• to provide protection; and
• to pass on moral and religious values.

A family that met these three functions was considered a "good family." Today, the term is still commonly used to describe families that seem to have the "traditional" values of stability, respectability and achievements. You can picture what this family looks like - two parents at home, children well provided for, property and possessions maintained. The "good family" seems to have their act together. It is no accident the phrase "he or she comes from a good family" often suggests status, as well.

But is a "good family" the same as a strong family? Beneath the surface of respectability, problems can run deep. For example, John Hinckley, who in 1981 attempted to assassinate U.S. President Reagan, came from a "good family" according to media reports.

The problem with the traditional concept of a good family is that it's superficial. It describes how people look from the outside, not how they feel on the inside.

*  The hyperactive family

Hyperactive families are always "on the go." Mother heads the PTA and dad coaches little league. They're involved in volunteer work and school activities and always seem upbeat and cheerful.

These families are very much a product of the modern age, and many people would single them out as strong families. However, most family health professionals would disagree. The modern-day hyperactive family, like the -good family," is often hollow inside. Over-scheduled, over-committed, it often has little time for genuine communication among its members.

*  The "TV picture-perfect" family

Television furnishes us with some of our major misconceptions about family life. In the early 1980s shows like "The Waltons" and "Little House on the Prairie" presented family models whose strengths bordered on the angelic. These families always conducted themselves with dignity, wisdom and the highest moral integrity. They never lost their cool.

Sociologists caution us, however, against taking these ideal portraits too seriously. Far from being an honest representation of family life, they are all too often an escape into a sentimental past. It is impossible and dangerous to attempt to model our own family life upon these fantasies.

Characteristics of a strong family

Strong families do not easily fit any of the conventional pictures. There is something slightly untidy but refreshingly honest about them. They interrupt and disagree - but they know how to be positive and support one another. They are involved in the outside world, but they know how to withdraw from it as well. Their strength is both firm and flexible.

In a recent survey, more than 500 family health professionals were asked to choose the characteristics they thought most typified a strong family. From a list of nearly 60 possible choices, here are the 15 they came up with:

A strong family...

• communicates and listens;
• affirms and supports one another;
• teaches respect for others;
• develops a sense of trust;
• has a sense of play and humour;
• shares responsibilities among its members;
• teaches a sense of right and wrong;
• has a strong sense of family in which traditions and celebrations abound;
• gives everyone an equal chance;
• has a shared spiritual core;
• respects the privacy of all members;
• values service to others;
• encourages conversation at dinner time;
• shares leisure time; and
• admits to and seeks help with problems.

From this list, a strong picture emerges. If you wanted to simplify the picture still further, you might consolidate these characteristics into three categories:

• Communication - A strong family has strong communication skills. Its members know how to talk and listen to each other.
• Respect - In a strong family, there is deep respect for each other.
• Values - A strong family has strongly held values that shape both its internal structure and its relationships with others in the outside world.

It is significant that these three core traits have little to do with wealth, prestige or success - all the traditional measures of a "good family." In fact, professionals place at the bottom of their list characteristics having to do with these values. These "external" goals we struggle so hard for actually have little to do with our family's health. What matters is what's happening in those three crucial areas.

Activity 1

Questions for your family to discuss:

1. Think of the strongest family you know. What makes them strong? Share your responses with the entire family. Compare your list with that of the experts?

2. Categorize the Characteristics of a strong family under the headings communication, respect and values.

3. Can you think of additional characteristics of a strong family to add to the list? Share them with your family. Other characteristics can be added to the Family strengths inventory on the next page.

4. Have you heard or read about other ideas that have changed your picture of a strong family? What are they?

5. Do some ideas seem difficult or threatening? What are they?

Activity 2

Taking inventory:

Storekeepers take inventory to discover where their supplies are strong and where they need to restock. You can use the Characteristics of a strong family to take inventory of your family or the one you grew up in. Rate each characteristic from 1 (very strong) to 5 (weak).

Remember, this is an inventory and not a competition. Its purpose is to make an honest evaluation of your family's strengths and weaknesses, not to see how well you measure up. Don't worry if your family lacks a few traits, few families exhibit all of them.

On the basis of the inventory, what are your family's greatest strengths? Share them with your family and list them in the space provided on the following page.

Family Strengths Inventory