Your 14-month-old's behavior: Testing limits -- and your patience

I know what I want!

A 14-month-old is a study in stubbornness. He may suddenly be very assertive about what he wants to do and eat, where he wants to go, and maybe even what he wants to wear (such as refusing to keep on a hat or jacket). Of course the things that you most want him not to do are exactly the things he wants to do most. Your toddler may also be determined to do things for himself, such as pour milk into his cup or put on his shoes, even if he's not quite capable of such tasks yet.

What you can do

If you feel like the word you say most often is "no," consider ways you can make your house, or at least parts of your house and yard, utterly safe for his investigations. Lock gardening tools in the garage or shed, be sure there are no water hazards (i.e. buckets, wading pools, etc.), and put out a few balls that he can chase and try to kick ? a big "exercise" ball can be very entertaining. Designate one room or corner of the house as the play area and have it full of pillows and toys. Remove breakable items from coffee tables or shelves that your child can reach. Be sure to pad any sharp corners (better yet, remove coffee and side tables that pose a danger). And let your child try feeding himself, even if it makes a big mess. Remember that play and exploration are how toddlers learn about the world, so it's not that your 14-month-old is being intentionally defiant, simply that he is curious about everything around him and doesn't want anyone to stop him from checking things out.

Toddlers are enthralled by water. Water play can be both soothing and exciting, so next time you need a way to distract your toddler ? say, while you're cooking ? put him in his highchair, fill a plastic bowl with soapy, bubbly water, and give him a sponge or dish-scrubber so he can wash plastic cups and plates. You may want to put a drop cloth or an old shower curtain under the highchair if you're worried about a mess.

Other developments: Coping with aggressive behavior

Toddlers can be quite aggressive, hitting or biting their playmates. It may help you deal with these displays if you understand that this kind of behavior is more likely the result of frustration than malice. Also remember that a 14-month-old isn't capable of understanding that other children have feelings. If a playmate screams when he pulls her hair, he will probably pause and watch her reaction but he probably won't show any empathy. For him this is pure cause and effect, and it's as fascinating as throwing food off his highchair and then looking to see where it went was a few months ago. And for this reason you will likely have to supervise play dates closely and be ready to intervene. The best way to stem aggressive behavior is to tell your child firmly, "No, hitting hurts," or something similar and remove your child from a situation in which he clearly can't control himself.

Experts agree that spanking or any other type of corporal punishment to discipline a child doesn't work. Though parenting a toddler can be frustrating, you and your child will be much better off if you figure out other ways to set limits. No single form of discipline will work in every instance, either. When your child does something you don't like to get your attention, for instance, try not to overreact. It's likely that all he wants is your attention anyway, so if you can praise him and pay attention to him when he's not bugging you, he may not feel the need to act up as often.