Terrific Transitions
Help your child handle changes big and small — from starting preschool to moving from playtime to dinner.
Alice held her breath as she walked her 3-year-old daughter to nursery school. The pair hadn't even reached the building and Jessie was already crying, refusing to go in. Alice wasn't surprised. Her clingy daughter had never been to school before and didn't know what to expect.
Fortunately, Jessie's teacher, Antoinette Barbato, was a pro at handling this tough transition. She took Jessie's hand and gently guided her to a table with intriguing, stackable toys. In a calm, pleasant voice, she explained that school is a place where you have fun and make friends. Mommy would see Jessie after she played.
With Jessie happily distracted, Alice left for an hour — 60 minutes would be sufficient for the first school experience. If all went well, Jessie would come back the next day for 90 minutes, and the day after for 2 hours. (For some children, attending school on consecutive days is best. Others do better having a day off in between.) Slowly working up to the full, three-hour session was the right approach for Jessie. Within two weeks, the once apprehensive little girl went willingly to school and stayed all morning.
"Young children cry when mom, dad, or a caregiver leaves them out of fear they won*t see that person again. It has nothing to do with not liking school," says Barbato, who teaches at Robins Nest Too, a preschool in Verona, New Jersey. "Preschoolers have no concept of time, so 2 or 3 hours can be an eternity for them." Barbato likens the experience to playing hide-and-seek with an infant. "Even though you put the toy behind the pillow right in front of your baby's eyes, she thinks it's gone for good. A preschooler who doesn't see Mom worries that she isn't coming back."
To prepare your child, visit the preschool two or three times before you drop her off. Explore the classroom with her, and be sure to talk about school with enthusiasm at home. In the early days and weeks, reassure her often that you'll be there to pick her up when school is over. Find more parents' tips for smoother separations.
More Transitional Moments
Beyond the big deal of adjusting to preschool, everyday transitions — such as getting dressed, moving from playtime to mealtime, leaving school or child care at the end of the day, and bedtime — can also present challenges. If your child has an easygoing personality, he probably won't be bothered by transitions. His temperament, which is inherited, determines his sensitivity to change, says Carlo Melini, M.D.,assistant professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. There will always be children who need extra time and special care to feel comfortable with any transition, large or small. For example:
- Some children are extremely persistent . They stubbornly stick with a task until it is completed, regardless of what's going on around them. Asking them to stop before they're ready may trigger a tantrum or other forceful expression of anger.
- Kids sensitive to loud noises, bright lights, or certain smells, colors and textures are often prone to difficulties with transitions, as are children who are bothered by newness in general. New clothes, food, people, and furniture — such as a “big girl bed� replacing a familiar crib — can be problematic for them.
- Emotionally intense children may have extreme reactions at transition times — throwing fits or turning inward in an effort to protect themselves from their overwhelming feelings. A child who bites, for example, is usually one who doesn't like others invading his space (even when it's Mom or a teacher trying to help him move to the next activity). Show him acceptable ways to handle his frustration, such as asking for help or telling the intruder no. Reassure him that you still love him, but the behavior is unacceptable.
"Parents, educators and other caregivers need to identify, nurture, and respect temperament," says Dr. Melini. "If you understand the temperament and make reasonable accommodations, the outcome will usually be good." Take the stubborn child who has a hard time giving up toys at meals. "If Johnny isn't finished playing with his trucks, put them in a place where he can see them while he's eating," suggests Dr. Melini. "]Explain that as soon as he finishes his meal, he can return to his toys."
Coping Strategies
Many parents get cooperation with a simple egg timer . Set it for 5 or 10 minutes to announce the end of playtime or the time to leave for school.
Choosing the right language is another effective tool. Instead of demanding that your child get into the car because you're leaving, tell her it's time to go so she can play with her classmates.
Dr. Melini also suggests using rewards . Gaining an extra bedtime story or round of Candyland in exchange for good behavior is a better motivator than losing privileges for misbehavior. Some families give children tickets that can be cashed in for items on their wish lists. "Offering rewards for compliance is not bribery," says Dr. Melini. "It's highly effective discipline."
Still, adaptability just isn't in the cards for some kids. If chronic tantrums or other forms of negative behavior interfere with your child's daily functioning, you may want to discuss it with your pediatrician. Most can assess temperament and refer you to a specialist for help. Over time, even the most difficult kids can change the way they handle change — learning to cope with transitions as well as their feelings.
